What's Up in Ohtori
by sharnii
Summary: Humorous Parody of the weird and kinky world of Ohtori Academy. Can Utena really be that dumb? Can Anthy really be that evil? Can Akio really be that horny? Does Wakaba have ADD? Is Touga's hair that smooth and silky? Does anyone ever learn anything!
1. Scene 1: Getting Up in the Observatory

**What's Up in Ohtori**

_by sharnii_

**Warning**: This is a parody of that fantastically bizarre anime, _Revolutionary Girl Utena_. As such it contains a lot of sexual innuendo (yuri, yaoi, yummy, Akio+anything), violence, whacked-out symbolism, and evil people. But you should be used to that from the anime! There's also some swearing with the help of my symbol keys.

**Disclaimer:** The crazy world of RGU belongs to Chiho Saito and BePapas, I do believe. This skit is for fan fun, not for fan money.

**Note:** I actually love RGU and all its characters. So before you flame me for pointing out their flaws in an overstated way, remember the genre…this is parody. This is what you do in parody.

* * *

Chapter 1: Getting Up in the Observatory

**SCENE 1: Morning. Interior. Chairman's Tower - The Observatory. **

Akio: Good morning, Anthy-kun. (leers) How did you sleep?

Anthy: Very well thank you, Onii-sama. It was a peaceful night.

Akio: (sulkily) You're a bitch, Anthy, you know that?

Anthy: (smiles sweetly) It's a little early for the dirty talk.

Utena: (enters) Hi Akio-san. Hi Himemiya. Boy, I'm hungry.

Anthy: What a shocker.

Akio: (chuckles fondly) You're always hungry, Utena-kun.

Utena: (blushes and looks down - at Akio's larger-than-average feet) Yes, yes, I guess I am.

Akio: (stage whispers to Anthy) Did you ask her to deliver the flowers?

Anthy: (stage whispers back) Get your own dmn flowers. If I'm not getting any, you're not either.

_Akio looks murderous. But since Utena has looked up from her feet and is glancing around herself with her trademark vacant stare and happy smile, he can't say anything more. He looks at Utena. He looks at Utena's feet encased in fuzzy red bedsocks. He shudders._

Akio: (in deep sexy voice) Utena-kun. I'm hungry too.

Utena: Oh, that's not good. Oi Anthy, have you made us breakfast yet? It's your sacred duty you know!

Akio: (in even deeper sexier voice) Utena-kun, I'm hungry for YOU.

Utena: Huh? (blushes)

Anthy: Onii-sama, you might want to spell this one out.

Akio: Shut up, Anthy. (Stooping down to kneel, he grabs Utena's foot-in-bedsock and starts kissing it)

Utena: (her face looks like a tomato) OMG Akio-san, what are you doing?!

Akio: (runs his hand up her calf suggestively) Isn't it obvious?

Utena: (eyes impossibly wide) You're k…k…kissing my foot!

_Akio makes loud smooching noises_. _His hand moves up to Utena's thigh._

Utena: (hopping in place to maintain balance) But w…what about your fiancé? K…Kan…Kani? Kanel? Uh…

Anthy: (helpfully) Kanae-san.

Utena: That's the one.

Anthy: I wouldn't worry about that zombie piece of trash. (takes out tiny blonde doll in red dress and inserts pin into its head)

Utena: Um, mmm, what did you say?

Anthy: I said, may I leave quickly to prepare breakfast?

Utena: OMFG Akio is removing my sock!

Anthy: He likes it bare.

_Utena falls backwards onto the couch, arms windmilling wildly._

Utena: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Anthy: I know I'm the rose bride and all, but watching this goes above and beyond the call of duty.

Utena: What's that Himeeeemiya?

Anthy: I'll just go and make us some shaved ice, Utena-slut. Be right back.

Utena: Take your time.

_An hour later, Anthy enters with 2 plates of shaved ice. ChuChu is sitting in the middle of one slurping it down greedily. _

Akio: (from licking between Utena's toes) Oh it's about fu(kin' time.

Utena: (disheveled and panting hard) Himemiya, not that I'm complaining, but how does making shaved ice take an hour?

Anthy: My massive chainsaw was really blunt.

Utena: That's strange.

Anthy: Yes.

_Akio rises, grabs a plate desperately and sucks it down._

Akio: Better. Hmm, excuse me ladies while I go and wash out my mouth.

Anthy: You were the one who couldn't make it to second base in an hour, dearest Onii-sama.

Akio: I like to save second base for the boys, Anthy-kunt.

Utena: Hey, where's my shaved ice gone?

_They all look at ChuChu carked out in the middle of Utena's empty plate._

Anthy: Oh, isn't that cute.

Utena: Cute my tight as!

Akio: Not tight enough to tempt me.

Utena: Huh?

Akio: I said, where's Anthy's plate? You can eat hers.

Utena: Oh. Er, good idea.

Anthy: I don't have a plate.

Utena: Why not?

Anthy: I don't have to eat.

Utena: (jaw drops) You don't?! OMG why not?

Anthy: Because I'm metaphorical. In some sense.

Utena: Huh?

Anthy: It will all make sense after the Duel called Resolution, also known as the Duel called Make-A-Fu(kin'-Sequel. I mean, if that duel ever takes place.

Utena: Huh?

Akio: Look on the bright side, Utena-kun. You probably won't make it past the Duel called Seduction. (smiles seductively)

Utena: There's a Duel called Seduction?

Akio: There will be, if I can ever get a night off.

TBC in Chapter 2: The Endless Hallway


	2. Scene 2: The Endless Hallway

**What's Up in Ohtori**

_by sharnii_

Chapter 2: The Endless Hallway

**SCENE 2: Noon. Interior. Ohtori Academy – The Endless Hallway. **

Utena: (to Anthy who trails her demurely) Geez, this hallway is long. I never really noticed how long it is before.

Anthy: It's long because it's metaphorical.

Utena: Huh?

Anthy: (patiently) It's long because we haven't met anyone else coming down it yet.

Utena: Huh?

Anthy: (like she's speaking to a very young child) It's long because it's a plot device, and I'm beginning to wonder if you are too.

Utena: Oh. Well anyway. I'm getting a blister. And it hurts. Ow!

Anthy: I thought you were too much of a tomboy to care about things like that?

Utena: Heh, normally that's true. But I want my feet to look nice for Akio-san. I just can't seem to hold onto my personality when he's around…

Anthy: Or your self-respect.

Utena: Right. Uh what?

Anthy: Oh look, Utena-sama! It's uh…boys playing sport! Aggressively!

Utena: (cranes her head to look) Where? Where?!

Anthy: They're gone now.

Utena: (disappointed) Darn.

Anthy: Yes Darn indeed.

_Out of nowhere Wakaba zooms up, and glomps all over Utena, who is suddenly facing a window and about to be knocked out of it._

Wakaba: UTENNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAA-SAAAAAAAAAMMAAAAAA!!

Utena: Oh crap.

_Utena falls out window. Anthy cracks up laughing, slapping her thigh for good measure. A horrified Wakaba turns to stare at her in…horror._

Anthy: (automatically reverts to sweet face & voice) Hello Wakaba-san.

Wakaba: OMG!! You were laughing!! Evilly!! Evil laughter!! EVIL!!

Anthy: Was I?

_Utena uses her incredible sporting abilities to physically haul herself up the vertical wall and over the windowsill_.

Utena: (puffing) Knew…puff…that would…puff…happen…one…of…huff huff…these…days…

Wakaba: Utena-sama! I'm so glad you're alive!! But I have something SHOCKING to tell you!!

_Wakaba points a shaking finger at Anthy._

Wakaba: She…no it…IT is ev-IL!!

_Anthy looks worried._

Utena: (grows angry) Wakaba! How could you say such things! Himemiya is my friend, and I know you're incredibly jealous of her but that's no reason to go around saying such mean things.

Anthy: (places hand softly on Utena's breast…uh I mean her heart, and smiles beatifically) Oh, Utena-sama…

Utena: (all misty eyed) Himemiya…

Wakaba: (rains her fists down on Utena's back) Open your eyes, you dolt! She's EVIL!!

Saionji: (pops out of nowhere) She makes me so angry I have to hit her. She makes me do it!

Wakaba: Evil!

Utena: Saionji's on medication. Everyone knows that.

Anthy: (smiles at Saionji) Poor Senpai.

Juri: (pops out of nowhere) I have to hit her too.

Wakaba: Because she's evil!!

Utena: Juri's a lesbian who likes to dominate women. Everyone knows that.

Anthy: Those were the days…

Nanami: (pops out of nowhere) She keeps weird animals in her draws and closet!

Wakaba: Evil! Evil animals!!

Miki: (pops out of nowhere) I think they're cute.

Nanami: AND she sleeps with her brother. As in they get busy on the couch.

_Anthy sweatdrops. Luckily the light hitting her glasses at just the right angle creates an impenetrable glare, so nobody can see her expression. Because it is an evil one._

Wakaba: OMG! EVVVVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

Miki: Well, that doesn't sound so bad to me…I mean, if I could understand what you're talking about. Which I can't.

Utena: Now calm down, Wakaba. I'm sure there's a good explanation for why they do homework on the couch. Besides, I do homework on that couch too.

Nanami: OMG are you fu(king braindead? Get busy means they fu(kin' fu(k, okay? Geez!

Utena: Ohhh. Oh! Er…hmm, well um. Let me think about that…Uh…

_Everyone waits with baited breath_.

Utena: OMG, Himemiya is trying to steal Akio-san off me! Oh no! I feel so betrayed…

Anthy: Technically, you're trying to steal Onii-sama off me.

Utena: OMFG, I've betrayed Himemiya! Himemiya, my dearest friend in all the world after only three weeks…oh no! I feel like such a betrayer…

Anthy: Oh I'm used to that, Utena-sama. Don't worry about it.

Utena: But…Himemiya…I betrayed you. I accepted foot-sex from your beloved brother. I'm not a perfect prince after all…oh I think I'm going to cry. Which is unusual, because I don't cry.

Anthy: Foot-sex, foot-schmex. Metaphorical water under the bridge. Let's go and water the roses some more. I'm sure that will make you feel better.

Utena: (sniffing) Okay. Sounds fun.

Juri: Sounds boring as heck.

Anthy: Not when it's metaphorically done, Senpai.

Juri: Hmm.

_Utena & Anthy start walking off down the endless hallway, arm in arm._

Wakaba: OMG I can't believe how EVILLLLLLLL that awwwwwfullll rose bitch issss!! Or how dumb Utena-sama is. I mean, really really dumb.

Anthy: (over her shoulder) Tell me about it.

TBC in Chapter 3: The Endless Elevator


	3. Scene 3: The Endless Elevator

**What's Up in Ohtori**

_by sharnii_

Chapter 3: The Endless Elevator

**SCENE 3: Mid-Afternoon. Exterior. Mysterious Forest – The Endless Elevator. **

Utena: (to Anthy who strides ahead determinedly) Where are we going? I'm hungry.

Anthy: You're always hungry.

Utena: Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm starving right now. We haven't had lunch yet. I can't survive without a lot of food. Even more than a normal person, because I play sport y'know.

Anthy: (through gritted teeth) Do tell.

Utena: We've been walking for forevvvvvver. Geez, that hallway was really long. It really made me hungry.

Anthy: Can't you think about something else? That's what I usually do when one of my Victors prattles on.

Utena: (whining) Didn't you make me a lunchbox or something? Or do you only do that when Wakaba does it?

Anthy: Quiet fool!

Utena: Huh?

Anthy: Er sorry, Utena-sama, I must be feeling the heat. Look, don't you notice where we are?

Utena: We're in the mysterious forest. Behind the school. But it's the afternoon…I only come here in the evenings when I've been challenged to a duel.

Anthy: Well, you have been challenged to a duel.

Utena: I have? That sucks. I wanted to have lunch.

Anthy: Yes, you've been challenged by Touga-senpai. The duel has to be in the afternoon, because he has a prior engagement in the evening.

Utena: Hey, that doesn't seem fair…

Anthy: Since Ends-of-the-World also has a prior engagement this evening, he agreed to the change.

Utena: Oh. Alright then. Wow, Himemiya, I just don't know how I'm gonna get through this duel. I'm so hungry.

Anthy: (tic develops in right eye) By all that is unholy! Oh look, Utena-sama. It's an elevator. How convenient.

_They have arrived at the bottom of the endless elevator that leads to the arena. The dueling theme is playing loudly. Water is flowing forth strongly etc etc._

Anthy: This music give me a headache. I'll have to have a little talk to a certain someone about changing our theme.

Utena: What theme?

Anthy: I said, look there's an elevator.

Utena: Huh? An elevator? Here? I don't have to drag my sorry as& up and around twenty flights of stairs at a 45 degree angle? Whoa! I wonder why I never saw it before?

Anthy: I never had to walk through the mysterious forest with you before.

Utena: That's true. Wow, you have really good eyesight for someone with glasses.

_Himemiya walks into the elevator ahead of Utena, turns to face her, smiles demurely, and disappears from her school uniform._

Utena: Holy CRAP! Himemiya?! Himemiya? (Utena looks wildly all around herself) Ummm, where'd she go?

_Utena steps into the elevator, and spins around several times looking for Anthy. Suddenly Anthy's naked adult-sex-body appears facing her. The elevator starts going up!_

Utena: Holy CRAP! You're naked!

Anthy: And you like it.

Utena: Um…yes…in a pure way. (reaches out hesitantly toward Anthy's chest) Are those things real? They seem really oddly proportioned.

_Anthy's (ugly) rose bridal dress suddenly appears out of nowhere. Meanwhile her abandoned school uniform is being worn by a bush. The bush is growing._

_Anthy makes some lewd gestures over Utena's naughty-bits and lo and behold, Utena's dueling uniform appears out of nowhere. Utena is smiling._

Anthy: (seductively) You like this, don't you?

Utena: Well, it's easier than dressing myself!

Anthy: If this was any other duelist, I'd be on my back for 30 seconds.

Utena: Yeah, well, this isn't the movie; (points finger self-righteously in air) I don't want your body, I just want your eternal friendship and servitude.

Anthy: Hmm. Well, while we're standing here doing nothing, can we at least make some suggestive poses up against each other?

Utena: Okay! But for the sake of purity, let's use our breastless-bodies when we do the nudity. And just for fun, I want to be much taller than I usually am, with a very pointy nose.

Anthy: Done.

_Anthy waves her hand over them both and they enjoy a succession of naughty poses together (which will sadly be relegated to ending credits). Afterwards they stand together in the still rising elevator breathing heavily. Utena is sweating. Anthy is smoking a cigarette._

Anthy: Did you kiss me?

Utena: No! I chastely pressed my lips to yours.

Anthy: So what's the deal with the chaste tongue?

Utena: What's the deal with leaning over backwards so far that I feel like my back's breaking?! What's the deal with your skirt flying up so that any perve can get a peepshow?!

Anthy: Hmm. You're feeling a little defensive. (innocent smile)

Utena: What's the deal with that friggin' BUSH?!

_Utena points at bush-in-school-uniform, which is now sprouting many (lovely) pink roses. Anthy stubs out her cigarette on one._

Anthy: Oh this bush? It's just there to be pretty.

Utena: Oh. Okay. Wow this elevator's taking a long time to get up there.

Anthy: It's a long theme song.

Utena: I'm really hungry. This elevator's making me really hungry. And that posing made me even hungrier. And my bikepants feel tight and itchy. And kinda damp.

Anthy: (singing along with elevator music) Moshy! Moshy, moshy, moshy. Mushy, mushy, mushy. Mashy mashy mashy. Stab her in the backy.

Utena: Hey, Himemiya, are you listening to me? I'm hungry! And I don't know how to get food unless you get it for me.

Anthy: Oh for the love of… (snaps her fingers) Oh look, we've arrived.

TBC in Chapter 4: A Duel Like Any Other Duel


	4. Scene 4: A Duel Like Any Other Duel

**What's Up in Ohtori**

_by sharnii_

Chapter 4: A Duel Like Any Other Duel

**SCENE 4: Late-Afternoon. Exterior. Dueling Arena – Utena vs Touga. **

_The elevator has just arrived at the dueling arena in the sky. Impressively it clangs open to reveal Anthy and Utena posing next to each other. Utena's long hair blows wildly in the (freak) wind, while rose blossoms rain down madly._

Utena: (blinking rose blossoms out of her eyes) Ow! I don't get it.

Anthy: It's metaphorical. Can't you hear the theme song? Paradise Lost. Shangri-la-la-la. Think Eden.

Utena: (nervously) If this is Eden, where's the uh, snake?

Touga: (standing in the middle of an arena filled with giant cactuses, buttoning up shirt) In my pants! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Utena: (shocked-sounding) Touga-san! But…w…w…w…why?!

Anthy: I already told you it was Touga-senpai you were dueling.

Utena: You did? But um, I thought he liked me.

Touga: Oh I do.

_Steps up and runs his fingers through Utena's long pink hair. And gets stuck on a knot._

Touga: Ick! You need a good conditioner. Have you tried Pantene?

Utena: I don't know. Anthy does all the shopping. And cooking. And cleaning. And washing of my body and hair.

Anthy: I'm like a slave. And I don't even get sex.

Utena: Well that's because you get my eternal friendship. And because I'm a virgin.

Anthy: Uhuh.

_Touga peers suspiciously toward Utena's feet_. _She blushes and taps her feet nervously_.

Utena: But why, Touga-san? Why?! I don't understand why you're doing this…again. I thought you were my prince…maybe. I don't suppose there's any chance on getting a definite yes/no answer to that now?

Touga: Why am I doing this? (condescending laughter) WHY am I doing this? Oh sweet Utena-kun…if you only knew…

Utena: (impatiently) Yeah. That's why I'm asking. Hey! Isn't that Akio-san's car?

Touga: What? That thing? That Akio-car right over there?

Utena: Yeah.

Touga: No. It's not.

Utena: Oh. Hmm, well how did it get up here?

Touga: I don't know.

Utena: But you were in it!

Touga: Yeah, but I wasn't driving. And I wasn't exactly looking at the view, if you know what I mean.

Anthy: (smirks) Don't worry. She doesn't.

Utena: Huh?

Anthy: I said, let's get on with it, shall we? I think I'm scheduled to turn into Mamiya soon. It would be rather…unfortunate, should my horrible cross-gender secret be revealed here.

Utena: Huh? If what should be revealed?

Anthy: I said, hurry up Utena-sama, grope me again. (presses Utena's hand to her breast)

Touga: Oh yeah.

Utena: (groping madly) By the power of er…

Anthy: (stage whispers) Dios!

Utena: uh Dios, um…wow… (her head moves back and forth over Anthy's chestal region as she sniffs)

Anthy: (sounds bored) Grant me the power to bring forth world revolution.

Utena: Y…yeah. Yeah, that's it. (starts to pull sword forth in exaggeratedly slow motion)

Touga: This is making me hard. (leans down to get a better view up Anthy's skirt which is flying up madly)

Utena: Why, you bastard! Get your own!

_Utena drops Anthy on the hard floor with a crack and rushes Touga. Their swords clash together._ _Anthy disappears from her dress, and reappears seated naked at a table sipping tea. After a significant pause the dress reappears too._

Anthy: (in a monotone) Oh go Utena. Go go.

Touga: (swings sword) You'll never defeat me!

Utena: (swings sword) I already did. So there.

Touga: (flys through air upside down) That's only because I let you beat me.

Utena: (flys through air twirling like a torpedo) Did not.

Touga: (slashes back and forth impressively) Did too.

Utena: (reverts to having no formal dueling training or skill, and gasps and trips over herself to avoid impressive slashes) Uh! Did not.

_Touga stops (stupidly) and takes the time to laugh manically while pointing his sword at Utena's heart, while she lies gasping at his feet. _

Touga: I will definitely beat you now! Any moment, and I will cut off your head!

Utena: You mean my rose…

Touga: Yes, that too. And I did so let you beat me before. So there. (laughs manically again)

Utena: I really hope that Dioti guy gets here soon.

Anthy: (sips tea and gazes up at castle) I wonder what's keeping him?

_Touga raises his sword with a terrible grimace…and Dios comes rushing down from his castle-home, to slide into Utena's luscious body. For a moment their flashing faces are super-imposed over each other. Then Utenadios surges to her/his feet…_

Touga: This seems unfair.

Anthy: (monotone) Oh. Thank goodness. Utena shall not die. This time.

Utenadios: Ha ha! By the power of our skills combined…I am…Prince Utenadios!

Touga: This really doesn't seem fair. I protest!

Utenadios: Protest this!

_In a crazy gravity-defying move, the prince leaps with her/his sword extended toward Touga's rose. Touga does the exact same move from the reverse angle._

Utenadios: Ahhhhhhhh!

Touga: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

_Utendios knocks off Touga's rose and he falls to the ground clutching at his face and screaming_.

Touga: My outfit! There's a hole in my outfit!

_Utenadios falls convulsing to the floor and froths at the mouth. Touga stops screaming and looks curiously at her._

Touga: What's happened to Utena-kun?

Anthy: Just a side-effect from being possessed one too many times. I'm sure it will pass soon. (sips tea)

Touga: You seem to know an awful lot about possession. (smirks) And all the dark arts.

Anthy: I AM a dark art.

Touga: (sounds worried) What did you say?

Anthy: I said, you're going to be late for doing your hair for your big appointment.

Touga: Oh no! (rushes out)

_Anthy turns into Mamiya with a loud popping sound_.

Mamiya: And now it's time for my big appointment. (disappears from rose bridal suit) Whoops. Wrong disappearing-act. (disappears altogether, still naked)

_Utena gets up, rubbing froth off mouth._

Utena: Ohhh, I don't feel too good. I should really eat some lunch. (staggers toward elevator and tries to pry closed door open) Hmm, how does this stupid thing work again?

TBC in Chapter 5: Mamiya's Papiya


	5. Scene 5: Mamiya's Papiya

**What's Up in Ohtori**

_by sharnii_

Chapter 5: Mamiya's Papiya

**SCENE 5: Early Evening. Interior. Nemuro Memorial Hall – Black Rose Elevator. **

_Anthy-in-Mamiya's-body sits in the Black Rose Elevator which is going down. He/She is singing the chorus of "Bed's are Burning" by Midnight Oil, with some slight improvements to the lyrics. _

Mamiya: (sings out-of-tune) How can they sleep while their beds are burning! Eh heh. Heh heh heh.

_Elevator stops and doors slide open to reveal a very impatient-looking Mikage._

Mikage: Where have you been?! I did the calculations over and over and I still couldn't come up with anything except that you were meant to be here five minutes ago.

Mamiya: Oh take a chill pill.

Mikage: What?

Mamiya: I said, I've been shopping. (demure smile)

Mikage: (doubtfully) You go shopping?

Mamiya: It was for our own personal seminar. I bought some props (holds up a banana, followed by a papaya).

Mikage: Let's go! (drags Mamiya down the hallway towards the bedchamber)

Mamiya: (demurely) I am your rose groom. Do with me what you will.

Mikage: Rose BRIDE, Mamiya. You know I prefer it when you use the correct terminology.

Mamiya: (smirks) But I'm a…boy.

Mikage: Yes. According to my calculations. (brandishes a ruler) But I'M the butch one in this relationship.

Mamiya: Whatever you say. By the way your hair looks lovely today.

Mikage: Really? Why thank you for noticing. I'm using a new smooth and silky conditioner, for colored and treated hair.

Mamiya: Fascinating. (flutters eyelashes) But I'm sure your hair is so naturally smooth it doesn't even need it.

Mikage: You can take some smoothness measurements for me, right after we take care of the other measurements.

_They race into the bedchamber and slam the door. _

* * *

_Half an hour later they are lying contentedly in bed. Mikage is clearly exhausted. Mamiya is about to light up a cigarette. _

Mikage: (petulantly) Do you really have to smoke? We have a limited air-supply down here.

Mamiya: It's not like it's gonna kill you.

Mikage: What?

Mamiya: I said, I'm on a diet to fit into this tiny rose groom suit, and smoking stops me from being hungry.

Mikage: Well go and smoke outside.

_Grumbling, Mamiya pulls on his rose groom suit and obeys. He is leaning on the wall beside the front door of Nemuro Memorial Hall when suddenly (amazingly) who should swing by but Tenjou Utena._

Utena: Hello!

Mamiya: Shit!

Utena: What?

Mamiya: I said, hello Utena-sama. What are you doing here?

Utena: How do you know my name? And why are you calling me "sama"? And who are you?

Mamiya: Shit!

Utena: Hmm what a strange name. Sounds Indian. Say…do you know Himemiya Anthy?

Mamiya: Not so much. And I'm not Indian, thank you very much.

Utena: Sor-ry. I musta got confused by that red dot on your forehead.

Mamiya: It's a birthmark.

Utena: Oh wow. (stares at it)

Mamiya: Do you mind?

Utena: Oh, uh sorry. Hey look, here's Juri-senpai! What a strange coincidence.

_Juri has (oddly enough) also been randomly walking by the front of Nemuro Memorial Hall (for the first time ever). She crosses to the pair, looking suspicious._

Utena: Juri-senpai! Hey, meet Shit-kun, from India. Shit-kun, this is Arisugawa Juri, captain of the school's fencing team and (hushed voice) a confirmed lesbian.

Mamiya: Confirmed how?

Utena: (whispers) She tried to kiss me once. (blushes) It made me feel funny in my bikeshorts.

Mamiya: (eyes Utena speculatively) Interesting.

Juri: (coldly, to Mamiya) What's your real name?

Utena: Huh?

Mamiya: It's uh…Papiya.

Juri: Hmm. Papiya-kun, you're a little young to be smoking, aren't you?

Mamiya: (blows smoke in their faces) I'm older than I look.

Juri: You look about three.

Mamiya: Smoking stunted my growth.

Utena: Oh, that's so sad!

Mamiya: Yes. (lights up another cigarette) So what are you doing here Arisugawa-senpai? This is private property.

Juri: Oh? Don't you attend Ohtori Academy?

Mamiya: I attend the Mikage Seminar. Usually about twice a night.

Juri: The Mikage Seminar? You mean the one advertised by the famous Mikage Souji?

Mamiya: That's the one.

Utena: Ooh he has hot-pink hair. Like me! He reminds me of me!

Mamiya: (looks worried) What a stupid thing to say.

Utena: What?

Mamiya: I said, his hair is only pink in certain lights. And if he uses the right conditioner.

Juri: (suspiciously) What exactly do you do in this seminar?

Mamiya: (hurriedly) Oh…I play a…supportive role. I'm Souji-sama's right-hand man.

Juri: Not his son? (Utena gasps)

Mamiya: God, I hope not.

Juri: Or his sex toy? (Utena gasps and blushes)

Mamiya: What a dirty and suspicious mind you have. Look, someone's coming.

_It's Shiori! By strange coincidence she has also chosen this moment to walk past Nemuro Memorial Hall. Now she saunters over swaying her hips. Her other assets are straining against her tight blouse. In fact, her blouse is so tight that a button pops off and hits Juri in the eye._

Juri: Ow!

Shiori: (insincerely) Sorry, Juri-san! (To Mamiya) Hello there, Black Rose Bride. I may need your services again soon.

Mamiya: (coldly) Once your defeated corpse falls into its coffin and falls into hell, I'm afraid you're dead to me.

Juri: Black Rose Bride? (stares incredulously at Mamiya) This Indian midget?

Utena: What's a black rose bride?

Juri: It's just like your rose bride, Utena-kun. Only it's even more evil than that creepy Anthy-alien, if that's even possible.

Utena: How dare you say such things about Himemiya! She's an angel of light!

Juri: Maybe to an idiot.

Utena: What's that supposed to mean?!

Juri: You figure it out. Idiot.

Utena: Hey! Shut up, you…uh…um…just shut up, okay! I challenge you to a duel!

Juri: Good. I was waiting for a rematch. And I demand that they miracle-proof that stupid arena first. I'm sick of your damned cheating.

Utena: I don't cheat!

Juri: One word. Utenadios.

Utena: That's not even in my control. I can't help it if some random guy takes over my body and uses it to beat you council members silly.

Mamiya: That's right. Unexplainable sudden gender changes are nobody's fault.

Shiori: (seductively to Mamiya) Now come on, Black Rose Bride. How can I be dead? I'm standing right here. (Another button pops off her blouse to hit him in the eye)

Mamiya: Ow. Hmm, look at the time. It's time for me to change. How unfortunate.

Utena: Change into what?

Mamiya: This. (changes into naked Anthy with a loud pop)

Utena: HIMEMIYA?! (jaw drops)

Anthy: Oh well. Couldn't be helped. The secret is out. Who wants tea?

Juri: (staring) You bitch. I should have known. And just why are you naked?

Anthy: Oh that. Couldn't be helped. Where did that bridal gown get to? (looks around vacantly)

Shiori: That was kind of hot. Although I hope you're not a lesbian pervert like Juri-san, because that would be disgusting.

Utena: OMG Himemiiiiya! What does this mean?!

Anthy: Utena-sama, if you follow me right now, we are going to go and eat food. So forget about what you have just seen, and focus on the food.

Utena: (dreamily) Food…

Anthy: Too easy. (dress finally pops back onto her)

Juri: I'm making a full report of this to the student council, you evil transgendered freak. Don't think you'll get away with this black rose nonsense now.

Anthy: How nice. Be sure to say hi.

Juri: (nonplussed) Um…okay.

_Anthy and Utena leave arm in arm. Utena is smiling in eager anticipation. _

Utena: Bye! We're going to go and EAT!

TBC in Chapter 6: Some Eating and The Meeting


End file.
